Introspection

   Here I am today, in my room updating my blog instead of having fun with my friends at school, well, I wouldn't really have fun considering the state that I'm in. 

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So anyhow, I've come to realize that I really don't think too highly of myself. 

In fact, I'm my darkest enemy. 

I once tweeted this 'I shouldn't surround myself with people who keeps putting me down' or something along the lines of that. I don't really remember. Oh, well. 

But I was wrong. The people around me are more than amazing, it's just me that needs help. 

If I were to be asked about something that I like about myself, I can honestly tell you that I don't like anything about myself.
- I still don't know what I like about myself. That's kind of pathetic. 

The things I think of myself are just, to put it lightly, horrible. 

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Sometimes, when my friends make jokes about me, I'll normally laugh along and pretend it's nothing but deep, down inside, I really hate the fact that my friends see the flaws I've already known. 

And when my friends do say something nice about me, I'd normally take it as a joke and not believe a single word they say. 

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I don't really know when the self-loathing started but I want it to stop. 

I'm sick of looking at my achievements, not that I've achieved anything great, and having a small voice in the back of my head saying 'you'll never be good enough' 

I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror and think about how much I hate myself.

I'm sick at looking at my friends and thinking that I'll never be as good as they're because I'm a fucking failure. 

But most of all, I'm sick of being sick at myself.

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I want to look at my achievements and think 'great job Aimi. I'm proud of you'

I want to look at myself in the mirror and have positive responses in my mind.

I want to look at my friends and know that I am good enough. 

Most of all, I want to be content, since being happy is too much to ask for, with myself.

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One day, I will finally believe what she told me about myself on that night,

what she told me about myself in Germany.

One day, I will believe. 

But today is sadly, not the day. 

I still have so much issues but this is step 1 to recovery.
No, it's not. That's bullshit. 

To all my friends that happen to read this, please give me time. 

Time to believe in myself.
That is bullshit, too. 

I beg you not to approach me in real life about what you read in this blog post.

If you want to, you may leave comments in the comment box below but please forgive me if I don't react  the way you wanted me to.

As if anyone will read this pathetic excuse for a blog post.

Was I the only one going "ugh shut the fuck up already?"